when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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