Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
