The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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