this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
