Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
