I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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