I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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