She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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