I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
