You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
