Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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