My liver just broke up with me...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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