I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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