Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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