fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
