Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
