Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
