Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
