I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Randomize