the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I think I just sharted jello shots
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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