my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
