also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Someone shattered a urinal.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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