the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I forget how to act sober
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
