nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
