You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
