its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
