i think my mom watched the whole time
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
