You can't special order awesome
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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