apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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