Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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