To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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