You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
