When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
