dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
