i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
