please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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