Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
