I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize