I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
