Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
