Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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