You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
