Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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