yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
