my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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