so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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