Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Randomize
