You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize