Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Pooping to opera.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
