I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize