Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
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