I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
