whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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