I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
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