He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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