he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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